Jeff Goldblum has been jetting around the planet fronting his jazz band for much of the past year, but on Monday night (July 29) he touched down in Los Angeles just long enough to prove that he's also got serious skills on the mic during a scorching MC battle with Late Late Show host James Corden.
The two went head-to-head in an edition of "Drop the Mic" and Goldblum — wearing an all-black outfit topped by dark shades and a fedora — served notice from the top that he was not playing.
"I'm so ready to eat your lunch and drink your milkshake. They're going to call you Corden Bleu," he warned the host in a high, mocking accent. Corden was not rattled, not at all. "Here's the thing Jeff," he said. "I will joke with you about anything. I will joke with you about sport, I will joke with you about politics, I will joke with you about sex. If you ever joke about stealing my fucking lunch again I will finish you."
And then it was on.
Corden raced out of the gate first. "Jeff's been a legendary actor for years/ If you like overacting from a guy who talks weird," he rhymed to the audience's glee. "He dresses like he walked into a random thrift shop/ Looked at a rack and said, 'I'll take everything you've got.'" He finished with a joke about the casting of The Fly, shooting off the burn that when the director thought about finding a "repulsive, gross creature," they knew just the guy.
Goldblum wasn't having it, lashing back with some Bustopher Jones jabs. "I saw the Cats trailer and quickly noticed you/ You were the weirdest part of it and that's hard to do," he rapped laconically. "Seeing you as a cat was completely unnerving/ But how you look in person is somehow more disturbing/ Is there any chance we send him back to the Brits/ Why'd we trade Meghan Markle for something like this?" The run ended with a classic Jurassic joke, wondering how Corden ever procreated. "I guess it's true life finds…finds a way."
Okay, that last one hurt, but Corden had a few more arrows in his quiver, lashing Goldblum for finding a way to make jazz even more white and dissing him for being "the only Marvel character not in Endgame." Goldie bashed back with a flurry of disses. "When you say I'm unattractive it's obvious you're lyin'/ You look like Andy Richter ate Conan O'Brien/ And you host the Tonys for actors who sing/ Which is funny/ Because you suck at both those things/ 'Crosswalk the Musical' makes you a star/ Because people tune in to hope you're hit by a car."
They saved the most vicious bars, though, for the final round.